Busy Parents Quick Guide to: Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy
Dr. Kennedy believes a way of parenting that feels good on the inside and outside. She describes this as connection-based parenting. Not just controlling the behaviour but raising good humans. Fully understanding the emotional needs of the child, not only can help parents, improve behaviour but also transform the how the family operates & relates.
Dr. Kennedy goes over so many major parenting topics in this book like boundaries, sibling rivalry, lying, tantrums, and importance of Validation and Empathy, and more. This parents guide will just cover the major theme in this book which is purely connecting with your child. As parents we can sometimes get lost in hectic schedule, drop off, pick up from school, going to sports, make supper, bedtime, repeat…. Dr. Kennedy reminds parents of what a good connection to your child can mean for your family; and she would go as far as saying, it even recalibrates the family system. She believes, we cannot solve problems before we have connection.
So how does Dr. Kennedy explain connection? She uses the term ‘Connection Capital’ to mean how much connection they have with us/an emotional bank account. Parents spend this capital by asking the child to stop something fun, to do something less fun. So we have to refill this bank account with connection builders. Dr. Kennedy provides 9 major connection activities to complete with your children to build and bank up that connection capital. Dr. Kennedy’s philosophy is that when their emotional connection is full, they will want to do things for that person because they connection capital is high. Try these 9 things to connect more with your child.
- Play No Phone Time. 10-15 minutes of pure attention, tell them you will put your phone away and all other distractions for this special one-on-one time (apple watch include!). No siblings, just play whatever the child chooses. All you have to do is notice, imitate, reflect, and describe what they are doing.
- The Fill Up Game. Whenever someone of acting out try to fill them up with hugs and squeezes. “I think you’re trying to tell me that you’re not filled up with Mommy.” Then proceed to give big hugs and squeezes all over until the ‘mommy level; is all the way pasted his head.
- Emotional Vaccination. Preparing them for a good ending, when something really fun is done. Scripts for Emotional Vaccination. Emotional Vaccination = Connection + Validation + A Story to Understand, before the “main event.”
One examples of how it might sound:
PARENT: “Before we begin screen time, let’s think about how it’s going to feel when we turn it off. It’s hard to stop things we love, right? For me too.”
CHILD: “Can you just turn the show on now?”
PARENT: “We will, soon. I’m going to take a deep breath now and get my body ready for when we stop watching screens.” Model this pause. “Also … I’m wondering if we can get out some of those end-of-screen-time protests now, to get our bodies ready.” Find a lighthearted, but not mocking, tone as you protest: “Five more minutes! I was just about to … please please please…”.
- Feeling bench. Imagine there is a cold dark feeling bench (angry bench, disappointed bench, jealous bench…) It can feel so alone to experience a big emotion all by yourself. Now imagine someone can sit next to you, and warm up that bench a bit. “Hey you’re feeling sad/angry/left out….. that’s okay. I’m here. Tell me more” – followed by many validations of their feelings, regardless of your opinion, or what happened
“That sounds really hard.”
“That stinks. It really does.”
“I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this “.
“I believe you.”
“Being a kid right now … ugh, it feels so so hard. I get that.”
“You’re really sad about that. You’re allowed to be, sweetie.”
“I love you. I love you the same no matter how you’re feeling and no matter what is happening in your life.”
- Playfulness, Silliness, ridiculous, FUN. Laughter reduces stress and can always lighten up the mood. Do something so silly, like dancing or singing, when you normal wouldn’t, keep dropping something, pretend you’re a frog. Children learn so much more when they are calm and happy.
- Did I ever tell you about the time…..
1. Identify the struggle. (Is it hard for her to feel happy for other people’s accomplishments? Hard to stay engaged when math feels hard and frustrating?)
2. Take on the problem as your own: remember a moment, in the recent past or when you were a child, when you struggled with something similar.
3. Talk to your child not in the heat of the moment but when things are calm, starting with, “Did I ever tell you about the time … ?,” and share a story about yourself having a similar struggle.
4. Engage your child in this story, ideally one where you didn’t come up with a quick fix but struggled and just kind of got through it.
5. Do not end your story by directly relating it to your child. There’s no need to spell out, “Isn’t that just like when you”. Allow the story and moment to stand on their own, trusting that it will reach the part of your child that needed connection.
- Change the Ending. Repair is everything.
1. Share that you’ve been reflecting on the fight you had.
2. Acknowledge the other person’s experience, apologize if you lost your cool.
3. State what you would do differently next time.
4. Connect through curiosity now that things feel safer.
- Not Listening. Try infusing the request with connection, respect, playfulness, and trust. Connect before you ask, give your child a choose, use humour.
Close your eye trick. “I’m going to close my eyes (hand over eyes, to peek) and when I open them, all I am saying is if there is a child with shoes on, I will…. Oh no, oh no…. I will have to do the silly jumping dance and wiggle all over, I may even fall on the floor.” Then pause and wait. Chances are, shoes will get on a lot faster, because the child feels like they are in charge.
This will also work with older kids or teens too. Try saying, “I see you didn’t clean your room yet… hmm, all right, I’m going to get dinner started and I trust you to keep your promise to put your clothes away before you come downstairs.” This operates on the same principle of trust. And if you want to add that element of playfulness? As you walk away, add: “All I’m saying is that if that room ends up getting clean, I just may break out in song!”
- Role-Reversal Game. “I have to listen to you now” game.
Introduce this by saying, “I know being a kid is tough. There are so many things that parents ask of you! So, let’s play a game. For the next five minutes, you’re the adult and I’m the kid. I have to do what you say, assuming it’s safe.” Explain to your child that the game does not involve food or gifts (your child cannot tell you to go buy them a hundred new Pokémon packs or give them thirty bags of Skittles)-it’s really about the routine of the day. Really exaggerate not wanting to the things they tell you.